People I Can Do Without
- A stranger on the train who wants to tell me about his bowel movements.
- People who whistle cowboys songs during a funeral.
- Anyone who refers to Charles Manson as "Chuck."
- A tall man with a Slavic accent wearing a bow tie made of human flesh.
- Any couple who owns "his" and "her" rectal thermometers.
- A girl whose wallet contains nude photos of Sam Donaldson or Yassir Arafat.
- A man with a tattoo that shows Joey Buttafuco dancing the Lambada with Leona Helmsley.
- Any man who can ingest a whole quart of Vegetable Soup through his nose in lung in one long suck.
- A priest with an eye patch and a limp who’s selling pieces of the cross.
- A guy named Dogmeat whose body has over six square feet of scar tissue.
- Any one who takes off work on Ted Bundy’s birthday.
- A man with gold front teeth who wants to stud poker on the floor of a bus station’s men’s room.
- A crying woman entering a sports bar with a harpoon gun.
- Anyone who gets plastic surgery in an attempt to look more intelligent.
- A man with a cloven hoof who wants to give my daughter a hysterectomy.
- A seventy year old man wearing gag underpants that say, "We visited the Grassy Knoll."
- And man with a birthmark shaped like a hypodermic needle.
- Any woman who repeatedly gives me a high five during sex.
- A cross-eyed woman in a New Year’s hat reciting "Casey at the Bat" in Latin.
- Anyone who receives E-mail from Willard Scott.
- A man who plunges a bone-handled carving fork through his neck in order to get my attention.
- Anyone with three nostrils.
- A bag lady wearing over 200 garments, including nine separate hats.
- Any man who tries to pierce his ear with an electric can opener.
- A retarded twelve year old who carries more than six books of matches.
- Any man who gives himself a Harvey Wallbanger enema. On the rocks.
- Any person bleeding from three orifices who wants me to cosign on a loan.
- A homely, flat chested woman wearing a Foxy Lady T-shirt.