Short Takes

A cemetery is a place where dead people live.
A courtesy bus driver once told me to go fuck myself.
A laugh is a smile with a hole in it.
A fast car that passes you at night is going somewhere.
A graveyard always has to start with a single person, unless the local people get lucky and there’s a nice big bus accident in town.
A group of cult people has emerged who not only believe that Elvis Presley is alive, but have decided that if they find him they will kill them.
A lot of people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with!
A recent media story in Chicago mentioned that the Chicago Fire Department refused to go into a burning building because it was too hot.
A seven-day waiting period for purchasing a handgun is stupid. It gives the buyer that much more time to think of people he’d like to kill. Now, instead of a single murder, you have a multiple homicide on your hands.
After the year 2000, I hope the crime of the century happens soon, so I can read about it.
Always be careful what you say. Nathan Hale said, "I only regret that I have but one life to give to my country." They killed him.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
As soon as a person tells you they have a surprise for you, they’ve lost the element of surprise.
Assisted suicide is controversial. There are moral, medical, legal, and ethical arguments. The truth of it is, a lot of people just want to get the fuck out of here.
Auto racing: Slow minds and fast cars.
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.
Bother the weak.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Deep Throat: Think about it. There is actually an important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do grade school teachers handle this?
Did you ever run over somebody with your car? And then you panic? So you back up and run over them again? Did you notice that the second crunch was not quite as loud?
Do kings have sweat bands in their crowns?
Do you know the nicest thing about looking at a picture of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people who are wearing baseball caps are the players.
Does god really have to watch all this shit? Wouldn’t he get bored?
Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.
Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
Don’t you get tired of cereal commercials where they pour milk slowly and it splashed off of a raspberry?
Don’t you lose faith in your dogs intelligence when takes a piss and then steps in it?
E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm.
Feminists want to ban pornography on the grounds that it encourage violence against women. The Japanese consume far more violent and depraved pornography than we do, and yet there is almost no rape reported there. A woman is twenty times more likely to be raped in U.S., than she is in Japan. Why? Because Japanese people are decent, civilized, and intelligent.
Fuck the middle class
Gandhi ate milk duds.
George Washington’s brother was the uncle of our country.

GOOD NEWS: Ten golfers a year are hit by lightning.
Great scientific discoveries: jiggling the toilet handle.
Hard work is for people short on talent.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
Hey kids! It’s mostly bullshit and garbage, and none of the stuff they tell you is true. And when your dumb-ass father says he wants you to amount to something, he means make a lot of money. How do you think the word amount got in there?
Hobbies are for people who lack direction.
How can a color be artificial? I look at red Jell-O, and it’s red as red can be.
How can people take the Olympics seriously? Judges vote politically, athletes cheat on drugs, xenophobics run wild, and the whole thing is one big greed-driven logo competition.
How come none of these boxers have losing streaks.
I avoid any restaurant that features Kaopectate.
I am repelled by wholesomeness.
I buy stamps by mail, it works OK until I run out of stamps.
I do something about the weather. I stay home.
I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.
I enjoy watching a pretty woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she laughs. I just stand there and crack joke after joke.
I get a nice safe feeling when I see a police car, and I realize that I’m not driving around with a trunkload of cocaine.
I have come up with a single sentence that includes all of the seven deadly sins: greed, pride, lust, gluttony, sloth, and envy. Here it is: It enrages me that I, a clearly superior person, should have less money than my neighbor, whose wife I love to fuck if I weren’t too busy eating pork chops and sleeping all day."
I have no ax to grind, but I do have an ivory letter opener that could use a little sharpening.
I have no problem with the cigar smoking trend. If some guy wants to put a big, steaming turn in his mouth and suck on it, who am I to complain?
I like Florida; everything is in the eighties. The temperature, the ages... the IQ’s
I like it when a flower or a tuft of grass grown through a small crack in the concrete. It’s so fucking heroic.
I often think how different the world would be if Hitler hadn’t been turned down when he applied to art school.
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating something that is only unconscious.
I never watch "Sesame Street." I know most of that stuff.
I notice I don’t see as many buck-toothed women as I used to.
I put a dollar in a change machine... nothing changed.
I read once that in Lebanon, a peace keeping force was attacked by a religious militia. They deserve each other.
I read that a patient got AIDS from a dentist. It wasn’t from the blood, it was because the dentist fucked him in the ass... Open wide!"
I think in retaliation the Jews should be allowed to kill six million Germans. It’s only fair. With fifty years of compounded interest. That oughtta put a nice dent on bratwurst consumption.
I think alcohol and tobacco warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: "People who small will eventually cough up small, brown pieces of lung," and, "Warning! Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
I think we should attack Russia now, they’d never expect it.
I was expelled from cooking school, it left a bad taste in my mouth.
I’ll bet that there aren’t too many people hooked on crack that play the bagpipes.
If a stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we might conceivably wind up with nine-day weekends.
If cockpit recorders are indestructible, why don’t they just build an airplane that’s one big cockpit voice recorder.
If Frank Sanatra owed you a favor, wouldn’t it be fun to ask him to have one of his buddies kill Andy Williams.
If it ain’t broke, break it.
If the bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out?
If the Cincinnati Reds were the first baseball team, who did they play?
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If you call asleep in a house where there are women present, there will be a blanket or a coat covering you when you awaken.
If you love someone, set them free, If they come back, set them on fire.
If you mail a letter to your postman, will he get it before he’s supposed to?
If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
Imagine meeting your maker and finding out it’s Frito-Lay.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
In some places, a seventeen year old girl needs a note for being absent from school, but she does not need one to get an abortion.
Infant crib death is caused by grandparent’s breath.
Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.
Is it illegal to charge admission to a free-for-all?
It’s a sad thing to see an Indian wearing a cowboy hat.
It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.
I’ve watched so many documentaries about World War II, I’m sure I’ve seen the same people die thousands of times.
Just think, right now, as you read this, all over the world people are exercising bad judgment. Somebody, right this minute, is probably making the mistake of his life.
Just think, right now, as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
Last year, in Los Angeles, a robber threatened a store owner with a syringe that he claimed had HIV on it, saying, "Give me the money, or I’ll give you AIDS." You know what I would have told him? "If you give me AIDS, I’m gonna find your wife and daughter and fuck them."
Life is a near-death experience.
Meow means "woof" in cat.
My definition of bad luck: Catching AIDS from a Quaker.
My favorite country song is "I shoulda fucked old What’s-her-name."
Never tell a Spanish maid you want everything spic-and-span.
"No Comment" IS a comment.
No one is ever really alone; when all is said and done, you still have yourself.
Nothing is as boring as listening to someone else describing a dream.
One time, a few years ago, Oprah had a show about women who fake orgasms. Not to be outdone, Geraldo came right back with a show about men who fake bowel movements.
Only Americans would find as a prime means of self-expression the wave and the high-five.
Politics is so corrupt, even the dishonest people get fucked.
Poor confetti. It’s useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.
Regarding Little Red Riding Hood: Wolves can’t be all that bad if they’ll eat your grandmother. Even grandpa won’t do that.
Regarding local residents that are trying to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he’s worried about his child’s innocence, and I’ll show you a homeowner who’s trying to maintain equity.
Regarding Mount Rushmore: The Black Hills are sacred Indian ground. Imagine the creepy feeling of having four leering European faces staring at your ancestors for eternity.
Regarding smoking in public: Suppose you were eating in a restaurant, and every two minutes the guy at the next table threw some anthrax germs in the air. Wouldn’t you wanna seated be in a different section?
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost it’s soul; now it’s trying to save it’s body.
Remember, inside of every silver lining, there’s a dark cloud.
Ross Perot: Just what this nation of idiots needs: a short, loud idiot.
Sex always has consequences. When Hitler’s mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
Shouldn’t a complimentary drink tell you what a fine person you are?
Singing is actually a pleasant, controlled screaming.
Simon says, go fuck yourself.
Slap a dead person.
So far, the Ku Klux Klan has not produced any really good composers.
Some national parks have a long waiting lists for camping reservations. I think when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something’s wrong.
Someday, I want to see the Pope come out onto the balcony and give football scores.
Somehow, it’s hard to picture butterflies fucking.
Sometimes a little brain damage can help
Sometimes when I watch a parade, I wonder how many of them are in desperate need of a good long kiss.
"On the fritz" is a useful expression only if you are explaining home appliance. You wouldn’t say "The space shuttle is on the fritz." You wouldn’t hear in a hospital "Doctor, the heart-lung machine is on the fritz."
Some see the glass as half full, others see the glass as half empty, I see the glass as too big.
Test of metal: Will of iron, nerves of steel, heart of gold, balls of brass.
The bigger they are, the worse they smell.
The child molester skipped breakfast, but he said he would grab a little something before lunch.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
The keys to America: the cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
The Mai Tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.
The new, improved Swiss Army Knife has a roach clip and an ear-piercing tool.
The Neutron Bomb is very Republican; It leaves property alone, and concentrates on destroying large numbers of people indiscriminately.
The nicest thing about a plane crashing at an air show is that they always have good video of the actual crash.
The only thing that came out of religion was the music.
The phrase "surgical strike" would be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
The safest place to be in an earthquake is a stationary store.
The status quo always sucks.
The straightest line between a short distance is two points.
The thing like the most about his country is that, in a pinch, when things really get tough, you can always go to the store and buy some mints.
There are nights when the wolves are silent, and only the moon howls.
There are only two places in the world: Over here and over there.
There ought to be at least one round state.
There was no Big Bang, There was just the Big Hand Job.
They said on the news that tests on monkeys showed that HIV can be transmitted through oral sex. My question is: who blew the monkeys?
They say that if you outlaw guns, only outlaws and criminals will have guns. Well, shit, those are precisely the people who need them.
Things you never hear, "Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police."
Think clown vomit.
This year is the two-hundredth anniversary of sperm.
Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I understand that it’s kinda hard keepin’ them lit.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.
Threatening postcard: Wish you were here, but if you come here, I will kill you!"
Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
Try explaining Hitler to a kid.
We use sunlight to make electricity. And we use electricity to operate sun lamps and tanning machines.
We’re all fucked, it helps to remember that.
What a spot! You’re in surgery, the anesthetic wears off, and as you wake up you realize that someone in surgical clothing is carrying off one of your legs over to a garbage can. The surgeon, holding a large paper saw, says, "We’re all out of anesthetic, but if you hold on real tight to the gurney, I’ll have that other leg off in a jiffy."
What clinic did Betty Ford go to?
What exactly do you do when you see the Dalai Lama appears on Nightline and you’re not satisfied with his answers.
What exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
What goes through a birds mind when he finds himself flying through a fireworks display?
What is all this stuff about a kick being "partially blocked"? It’s either blocked, not blocked, or deflected. Partially blocked is somewhat like "somewhat dead"
What year did Jesus think it was?
When are they gonna come up with some new Christmas carols?
When football fans tear down a goalpost, where do they take it?
When I hear somone talking about political solutions, I know I’m not listening to a serious person.
When Popeye blows through his pipe, why doesn’t he get sprayed with burning ash?
When someone is impatient and says," I haven’t got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
When the going gets tough, the tough get fucked.
When you buy a six foot dildo, and call it marital aid, you are stretching not only anatomy, but the limits of credibility.
When you close your eyes and rub real hard, do you see that checker-board pattern?
When you cut the legs off of pants to make cut-offs, don’t you feel foolish for just a moment as you stand there with two useless denim legs?
When you look at some of Picasso’s paintings, it makes you wonder what kind of women he visualized when he masturbated.
Whenever I hear about a "peace-keeping force," I wonder, if they’re so interested in peace, why are they are using force?
Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: take a good idea and completely run in into the ground, or take a bad idea and completely run it into the ground.
Which is more immoral? Killing two 100 pound people, or killing one 300 pound person?
White people fucked up the blues.
Who are all these people whose eyeglasses are attached to straps and bands around their necks? Please! Folks. Too precious. Hold your glasses or set them down like the rest of us. Or perhaps, as strange as it sounds, put them on. You need a dual correction? Get some bifocals.
Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?
Why is the hot water on the left? I think it’s because you test the water with your right.
Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who’d be willing to test any drug they can come up with.
Why do foreign soldiers march funny? Do they think we march funny? If we do, how would we know?
Why do shoelaces only come in certain sizes?
With all that sex going on, the JFK administration shouldn’t have been called Camelot, it should have been called come-a-lot.
Working-class people "Look for work." Middle-class people "try to get a job." Upper class people "see employment."
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up! :)
You don’t meet many Japanese guys named Biff.
You know what kind of cosmetic surgery you don’t hear about? Nose enlargement.
You know what would be fun? Drop acid, smoke PCP, and take the white house tour with Jim Carrey.
You know you’re getting old when, after you take a leak, you shake your dick and dust comes out.
You know you’re in a poor neighborhood when you give the store clerk a dollar and he asks you if you have anything smaller.
You never see a smiling runner.
You show me the people who control the money, the land, and the weapons, and I’ll show you the people in charge.